"SO ANYWAY, GOD CALLED…" / by SCOTT DEMARCO

RING-VIBRATE. RING-VIBRATE. RING-VIBRATE. RING-VIBRATE.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Scott?”

“Yeah.”

“This is God calling.”

[END CALL]

RING-VIBRATE. RING-VIBRATE. RING-VIBRATE. RING-VIBRATE.

“FREAK! STOP CALLING ME!”

“Scott, don’t disconnect! Remember when you were three years old and you spilled black India Ink all over your yellow pajamas?”

“Yes…”

“Yeah, so that happened. Anyway, it’s God and I need you to do something for me.”

“No shit…really? Cool!”

“Yes, shit. Really. really. Way cool.”

“Facetime me!”

“I told you no apple, remember?”

“Ha-ha…you a funny girl.”

“Were you expecting a guy?”

“No…well…Hey! I need a bunch o’ stuff so when you get---“

“Seriously? This isn’t about what you need, it’s about what I need.”

“Ok, well I think it’s weird you need anything but go ahead.”

“I need you to tell those Muslims they’re wrong.”

“Um, no.”

“And the Jews.”

“Oh that's a good idea. Just kill me now.”

“Well not just the Muslims and the Jews. The Catholics, Baptists…yada yada…all the religions.”

"Tell all religious people they're wrong? Is that what I'm hearing?"

"If it makes it any easier just tell them they're not right, but I appreciate the effort."

"Oh that's SO much better! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"No, Scott. The world has gone crazy. We need to hit the reset button."

“Well I totally get that. You wouldn’t believe the mess—“

“Scott, I’m aware of the mess and I don’t usually say anything but it’s getting ridiculous. I want you to tell people to be Esbiennarre.”

"What?! Esbienarre? What language is that?”

“Every language.”

“It sounds French."

"French? How do you get French from----"

"Italian? No, Spanish! Like Señor Esbienarre!"

“No! Not esbiennarre! S-B-N-R. Spiritual-but-not-religious.”

“Oh! SBNR! ... What's SBNR?"

"Love one another. And stop being so judge-y."

"That's it?"

"It's a good place to start. Think 'sound bite.'"

"Yeah, well I’ve been trying. There’s a lot of competition.”

“I’ll win.”

“Yeah, well, you gotta throw some resources my way. I’m telling you there’s a new Crosshairs church poppin’ up on every corner.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…show me the money! These are business empires I'm up against.”

“Build it and they will come.”

“Oh come on!”

“Seriously. Just put it on your blog and we’ll go from there.”

“Ok. I’m skeptical…just sayin’.”

“Ok, I’m gonna hang up now.”

“God? Are you there?”

“Yes, Scott. Hang up.”

“No, you hang up.”

“Ok, I’m hanging up!”

[SILENCE]

“God?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gonna stay connected, ok? I have unlimited voice and data so…”

“Ok, I’m here.”