UNSUCK IT! / by SCOTT DEMARCO

There are days when cheerful quotes, inspiring words, or happy songs will not shake the funk that has settled into my brain. I stand strong, resolute and will not be swayed from the certainty that LIFE SUCKS!

In those times I am not receptive. There’s nothing worse than a bunch of Pollyanna’s with their woo-woo platitudes swirling around telling me in saccharine sweet, sing-songy voices, “Everything is gonna be A-OH-K!”

They suck.

It’s days like these that I just want to cry. I jump in the car and dash to the store for cookies, pies and cakes. I seek comfort in my fortress of solitude, preferably a dark room with the soothing glow of bad daytime television. Let’s not forget that damn sun. As I close the blinds to its cheerful rays I think to myself, “shine on, you sucky ball of fire—you won’t see me today!”

Safely entombed in my temple of doom I throw my own pity party. I eat, nap, moan, and repeat. It’s all very cathartic and all very necessary. (Send in the clowns. Where are the clowns?)

I know this is not a beacon of hope for many who are feeling disenfranchised, depressed or just plain pathetic. I have a right to wallow. I have a right to feel victimized. I have a right to just “hold everything” and retreat to my own sucky world of Tastycakes and Judge Judy. It is my God-given right to self-pity.

I know I’m not the only one. I know you’ve been there. I know there are days when your life sucks, too.

My advice? Cry it out, scream it out—do whatever you have to do, like MaLynne in “Steel Magnolias” when she’s yelling, “I wanna know why! WHY? Lord, help me understand!”

I think of it as an existential winter—the one of discontent—like trees and flowers gone dormant that need to rejuvenate before they return again for another year of blooming in their full glory.

Sometimes, life sucks, and as long as you don’t feel the need to suck everything and everyone down with you, then go ahead and ride that black hole and hold on for dear life.

Yes, I know, God is there even in the darkness, but even Jesus felt forsaken, struggled with demons in the desert, and doubted in the Garden of Gethsemane. Somewhere there’s a lost scripture where Jesus said, “This sucks!”

What’s important is that we allow it. Allow it to be and allow it to process and allow it to pass through us. There is no point in resisting—the feelings are there.

What do we do after the storm? If you have ever lived through a hurricane the human inclination after it’s all over is to get out of the house and rubberneck the swath of destruction. I have walked the streets with friends and neighbors, ogling the sheer force of nature and humbled by my helplessness in the face of what I just went through.

The same is true when life sucks. Wander aimlessly (in your mind—no need to get out of bed) amidst the wreckage and marvel at the unbelievable suckiness of your life. Finish that ice cream and then look around and sneer. Point and scream:

“You suck!”

“That sucks!

“God sucks!”

When you’ve had enough then slowly make your way to the shower.

Bathe.

Brush your teeth.

Gently go into the light, and prepare to UNSUCK IT.

unsuck: verb: to take action against that which sucks. "I’m gonna unsuck my pile of bills, and as God is my witness, I will never be poor again!"

Here are some practical steps:

  1. Admit to yourself that life sucks and that your thoughts, words, and actions played a part in that suckiness. (Note: If it’s necessary to drive the point home, say “I suck!” to yourself in the mirror until you are driven to laughter, tears or both)

  2. Identify the specific thing that sucks the most.

  3. Imagine how life would be if that super-sucky thing no longer existed.

  4. List three things that would help unsuck it.

  5. Think about the unsucking resources at your disposal.

  6. Take action and tap into unsucking people, places, things and ideas that will support and sustain you.

  7. Use what works. Any people, places, things and ideas that continue to suck should now be peacefully let go.

  8. Refuse to be sucked back into suckiness. Stand firm in your newfound unsuckability.

  9. Continue to unsuck and tell yourself, “I is kind, I is smart and I is unsucky.”

  10. Keep moving in the direction of unsuckiness and expect to see wonderful unsucky results.

Now hang in there and trust me—it’s all gonna be A-OH-K!

If that doesn’t work, I have some funny cat videos for you.